


Everyone's Gay and No One Dies

by cam_and_dean



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 15:02:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5789962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cam_and_dean/pseuds/cam_and_dean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A weird game of truth or dare stirs something up in Charlie and Neil. The truth comes out, and good things happen this time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone's Gay and No One Dies

You should know that they’d been drinking. Like a lot. Charlie managed to weasel two bottles of whiskey from who-knows-where, and the boys were a little drunk. In a tipsy haze, and in an effort to figure out something to do other than read poetry, Pitts suggested they all played truth or dare. 

“What’s the point of truth or dare without girls?” Knox asked, “you can’t kiss anybody!”  
“Sure you can,” Charlie offered, “if you’ve got the guts.” The other boys laughed.   
“Fine then,” Cameron butted in, “if you’re so confident, I dare you to kiss Neil!”  
“Why do you have to bring me into it?” Neil asked.   
“C’mon, babe,” Charlie joked, inching closer to his friend, “give Nuwanda some sugar.”  
“You’re out of your damn mind,” Neil shook his head, laughing at the idea.  
“Do it, man, don’t be a chicken,” Knox contributed, resulting in bawks and clucks from the rest of the boys.   
“Fine,” Neil relented before giving a quick peck to Charlie’s lips.  
“Oh come on, Neil, you kiss like a chicken too!” Charlie mocked with a smirk. He placed his hand behind Neil’s neck and pulled him in for a passionate and incredibly inappropriate kiss. When he pulled away, everyone sat in silence as Neil closed his eyes and struggled to catch his breath. Though he tried not to be, he was visibly blown away by Charlie’s kiss. He opened his eyes just to shut them again immediately once he made eye contact with Charlie. 

Neil had never been attracted to his friend before, and he wasn’t really now, but there was something about that kiss that made him change the way he saw Charlie entirely. Not in a romantic way, not even in a sexual way, more like a wow-he’s-talented-fuck-let’s-go-again way. Whichever way you look at it, Neil was screwed. 

“Anyway,” Charlie continued after a substantial pause, “we should go back inside.” The boys were incredibly quick to agree and they scattered out of the cave and into the night on their way back to their dorms. 

Neil walked slowly behind everyone else, contemplating what the hell just happened. He knew he wasn’t into Charlie, but was he attracted to guys? He’d never kissed anyone before, but he’d thought about it plenty. Though never in his wildest, weirdest dreams would he imagine his first kiss being with a boy. That kiss made him question just about everything he thought before. He tried to dismiss it as a hormonal thing; he reacted so strangely to the kiss because, well, it was a good kiss. 

You know, objectively. 

But there was something about that particular kiss that made his head spin. Something masculine, something that told him he wouldn’t get that feeling from any girl. That’s what scared him the most. 

He thought he was gonna fall to his knees and vomit when Charlie suddenly appeared beside him. 

“That was some kiss, eh Neil?” he said, placing his arm around his buddy’s shoulders.  
“Charlie,” Neil replied softly, “I don’t really want to talk about that.”  
“You gotta admit it, man. I’m pretty damn good.”  
“Yeah, sure, whatever. Can we pretend this never happened?”  
“Aw, babe, are you breaking up with me?” Charlie mocked.  
“Stop calling me babe.”  
“I’m just playing,” Charlie excused, “we can go back to normal.”  
“Good.”   
“Good.”   
They walked back to their respective dorms in silence. 

***

When Neil got back to his dorm, Todd was sitting on his own bed in silence, already in his pajamas. Neil was so not ready to have this conversation. 

“So… you and Charlie, huh?” Todd asked, standing up.  
“No! No, it was just a dare.”  
“But you liked it.”   
“Are you insane, man? That was the weirdest thing I’ve ever sat through!”  
“Didn’t look like you were just ‘sitting through it’ to me,” Todd murmured.   
“Then you’re mistaken, Todd, come off it.”  
“I’m just saying, you seemed pretty damn blown away.”  
“I was surprised! You would be too if someone kissed you like that, whether or not you were attracted to them!”   
“No, you don’t look at someone like that unless you’ve got real feelings for them.”  
“Wanna bet?” Neil asked, his eyebrows raised. Before Todd could push him away, Neil stepped closer and kissed his roommate in the same way Charlie kissed him. It may not have been as good, Neil didn’t have much practice. But the look Todd gave him after he pulled away told him otherwise. “See? You look pretty damn blown away too!”   
“That doesn’t prove anything,” Todd said quietly.   
“Why the hell not?”  
“Because you said someone who I’m not attracted to!” Todd nearly yelled.   
“What?”  
“You were right. I never should’ve brought it up. We should just go to bed.”   
“Wait, Todd--”  
“Good night, Neil.”   
And they went to bed. 

***

Neil tossed and turned and tried to sleep, but he couldn’t get the thought out of his head. Kissing Charlie, kissing Todd, just… kissing. He tried to think about kissing girls, but every image shifted into someone else, particularly someone male. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he slipped out of bed and through the door and headed to the boys’ shared bathroom. 

Squinting at the fluorescent overhead lighting, he walked into the bathroom and into a stall. Feeling bile well up in his throat, he fell to his knees and bent over the toilet. The worst part about it was that Neil knew he wasn’t vomiting at the idea of kissing a man. That didn’t disgust him at all. In fact, it was knowing that he wasn’t disgusted that disgusted him the most. 

He finally pulled himself together just enough to stand up and leave the stall. He stared in the mirror, breathing heavily, and bent down to splash cold water on his face. When he looked up, he saw that Charlie had entered the bathroom.   
“Can’t sleep?” Charlie asked.   
“I really don’t want to talk about this.”  
“I can’t stop thinking about it, either.”  
“I don’t-- I don’t want this,” Neil let out, pacing.   
“Me neither, man! I just… can’t stop thinking about it.”   
“Yeah,” he stopped with his back against the wall and slid slowly onto the floor. Charlie followed suit. They sat in silence for a while before Neil spoke again. “Can you keep a secret?”   
“Of course, you’re my best friend. That hasn’t changed.”   
“I kissed Todd.”   
“Oh.”   
“Yeah.” It was silent again for a while. Charlie broke the silence when he asked:  
“Do you like him?”  
“I don’t know.”   
“Well why did you kiss him?”   
“I don’t know.”  
“Are you… like…”  
“I don’t know, Charlie!”   
“It’s okay if you are, you know, we all love you anyway,” Charlie consoled.   
“I know it’s okay! I just… I don’t know what I am!” Neil was so stressed he felt as though he’d vomit yet again. He laid his head in his hands as Charlie rubbed his back.   
“If it makes you feel any better… I think I might be, too,” Charlie admitted in a small voice.   
“Really? But you’re such a… ladies man, or whatever,” Neil was incredulous.   
“Damn straight I’m a ladies man,” he joked, “but I think I like both. I don’t know. I like girls, but I also like…” he finished the sentence in a voice so quiet and incoherent Neil couldn’t even hear it from inches away.   
“Like who?”   
“Meeks,” he whispered, barely any louder than before.   
“Oh. Does he know?”  
“No, and I’m not telling him.”   
“What happened to carpe diem? Sucking the marrow out of life?”   
“You’re such a hypocrite, Neil.”   
“Hey, I kissed him!” he was finally smiling. Yeah, he thought, I kissed him.   
“I’ll think about it.”   
“You’ve got nothing to worry about. You’re plenty good at it,” Neil said.   
“I knew you liked it!” Charlie beamed.   
“Good night, Nuwanda.”  
“Night babe.”  
“Oh don’t start.”   
When he got back into bed, Neil felt a lot better knowing he had his best friend back. Maybe he’d be okay. 

***

Waking up and facing Todd wasn’t as awkward as Neil expected it to be. Todd was acting as though nothing ever happened, and Neil didn’t know if he liked that or not. Part of him was relieved that he didn’t have to have that awkward conversation, but part of him, the rational part of him, knew he couldn’t move on from this without some kind of closure. Or, even better, them both getting their feelings out in the air and making something out of this mess. 

They got changed in silence and went down for breakfast with the other boys. Life resumed as usual, with only a few more awkward silences than there were before this whole mess. 

Keating’s class was all about romance, which is the last thing Charlie, Todd, and Neil wanted on their minds. Poems and literature about love. Stories of love with happy endings that they all believed they would never have. Even worse, stories of love with tragic endings that felt like threats to their lives. Love was the first and last thing the boys wanted. 

When the lesson ended, Keating called Charlie up to his desk.   
“You seem out of it today, Charlie. Is there something you need to talk about?”   
“I’m just… not really into the topic of discussion,” he admitted.   
“Not into romance? That doesn’t sound like you.”   
“I don’t know about that, sir. I’m sorry if I was a little absent today. I’ll be more attentive tomorrow.”   
“That’s not what I’m worried about, my boy. I can see that something’s wrong.”   
“Am I that obvious?”   
“I’m afraid so.”   
“I just, maybe have a little crush on someone. It’s fine.”   
“Carpe diem, Charlie. If there’s a girl that makes you happy, you have to go out and get her. Don’t let her slip through your fingers.”   
“That’s the thing. It’s not exactly a girl…”   
“That changes things.”  
“It does?”   
“Of course, I got the pronouns wrong! Carpe diem, Charlie. If there’s a guy that makes you happy, you have to go out and get him. Don’t let him slip through your fingers.”  
“Thanks.” 

***

In a surprising turn of events, Todd was at study group and Neil stayed back. There was no talk about the Dead Poets Society meeting last night, though it was easy to tell that it was on everyone’s mind. No one would address the elephant in the room for fear of upsetting Charlie. 

When Todd went back to the dorm to go to sleep, he found Neil lying in the dark, sniffling softly. It was clear that he’d been crying, maybe he still was. Todd didn’t bother to turn the lights on, he just went and sat next on the edge on Neil’s bed, and laid his hand gently on his friend’s back. 

“I don’t want to talk about it, Todd,” Neil sniffled.   
“Then we won’t talk,” Todd replied, continuing to rub his roommate’s back as he cried. They sat there like that in comfortable silence for a while before Neil finally spoke again.  
“I’m scared,” he said plainly.   
“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Todd tried to comfort him, but he knew that wouldn’t work.   
“Nothing to be afraid of? I’m going to be stuck in school for the next ten years working my ass off for what? A job I don’t want? I don’t want to live like that! I’m so, so scared, Todd.”   
“Neil--”  
“And to top it all off,” Neil interrupted, “I’m gay!”  
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”  
“I know that, but the whole damn world thinks the opposite! I can’t live in a world that hates me!”   
“Yes, you can.”  
“Why should I want to?”   
“Because you’re going to be an actor.”  
“That’s a pipe dream and you know it.”  
“No, it’s not. You’re going to go to a great school, far away from your dad, where he can’t decide what classes you take or what you major in. And the world is going to see how brilliant Neil Perry is. You’re going to be an actor. Just, maybe not right now.”   
“I don’t want my dad to be disappointed in me.”  
“I’d rather live my whole life with a father who’s disappointed in me than live my whole life disappointed in myself, wouldn’t you?”  
“I can never be happy.”  
“Yeah, you can. You will. Because I can see your future.”  
“What do you see?”  
“I see you graduating college with a degree in theater. I see you moving to New York to be a Broadway star. I see the curtains opening on you, the spotlight in your eyes, the crowd cheering and clapping because you’re so damn good.”  
“Yeah right,” Neil interjected.   
“Shhh,” went Todd, continuing to rub Neil’s back, “you know the most important thing I see in your future?”  
“What’s that?”  
“I see you waking up in bed next to the love of your life, looking out the window onto the streets of New York, and saying to yourself, ‘damn, I’m so lucky to be alive.’”  
“You really think that’ll happen?”  
“I know it’ll happen,” Todd claimed, finally getting Neil to smile.   
After a comfortable pause, Neil asked:  
“Will you sleep in my bed tonight?”   
“Yeah, I’d love to.”   
They curled up together under the covers, and finally Neil was able to sleep. 

***

That same night, Charlie left study group early and pulled Meeks along with him.   
“What are you doing, Charlie?”  
“Seizing the day!”  
“What do you need me for?”  
“Stop asking questions,” Charlie demanded as he dragged Meeks up to his room.   
“Why are we in your room?” Meeks asked.   
“What did I say about asking questions?”   
“Seriously, what’s going on Charlie?”   
“Fine. If you must know, I wrote something.”  
“You wrote something.”  
“And I want you to hear it.”  
“Why do you want me to hear it?” Meeks asked.  
“Do you not want to hear it?”  
“No, no. Just, why me?”  
“Just listen,” he said, picking up a piece of paper from his desk. “Close your eyes.”   
“Christ, Dalton. Okay.” 

“I’ve never done this before, and I don’t know where to start  
I’ve never truly revealed the things that I have in my heart.   
This isn’t easy for me, but it’s about time I try it  
Not stealing someone else’s words and hoping that you’d buy it.   
I’ve never felt this way for anyone I’ve ever known  
I’ve never needed so badly someone I could call my own  
But when I met you everything was suddenly so clear   
And everything is better in the world when you are here  
I love it when you’re with me, and when you’re gone I miss you  
I’m going out on a limb here, but darling, can I kiss you?” 

“Wow, Charlie,” Meeks said.   
“Wow? That’s it? Don’t leave a guy hanging here!”  
“Wh-what? That was… for me?”   
“Did I not make that clear enough?”  
“No, I just thought... that would be too good to be true,” he admitted quietly, shaking his head.  
“Well, you ruined the moment,” Charlie joked.   
“Then ask me again.”  
“I love it when you’re with me,” Charlie repeated, “and when you’re gone I miss you.” He was getting closer to Meeks now. “I’m going out on a limb here, but darling,” he smiled and tilted Meeks’ head up so they were looking into each other’s eyes, “can I kiss you?”   
“Do it already!” Meeks squeaked.  
And he did. 

***

The day of the performance was coming up fast. Neil and Todd would spend their free time running lines for the play (when they weren’t making out), and Neil was getting really good. Todd had never been more proud. 

Meeks and Charlie were going strong as well. They would spend hours just laughing and talking and kissing and annoying the fuck out of Pitts because “Jesus Christ, Charlie, you can’t kick me out of my own room every time you want to make out with your boyfriend!” 

Love was in the air in the Dead Poets Society. Todd and Neil, Meeks and Charlie, Knox and Chris (okay, not quite, but still.) Everything was good for a while. Everyone was happy.

That is, until the night of the play. Or, until the play was over. 

As Neil read his final line as Puck and the crowd cheered for him, his father was standing in the back of the auditorium, more furious than Neil had ever seen him. Which is saying something. 

Mr. Perry pulled Neil away from Henley Hall and drove him home in silence. When they got home, they sat in the study and Neil sat and waited for his father to tear him a new one. 

So, inevitably, Neil’s father read him the riot act. He told his son that he’d never be an actor, that he’d go to military school and then college and live the life that his family expected him to. His dad went on and on, but he wasn’t listening. All he could think about were Todd’s words that night when they laid together for the first time. 

He went to bed that night, knowing that one day he’d wake up next to Todd, look out the window at the busy streets of New York, and know that he’s so damn lucky to be alive. 

He slept through the night.

**Author's Note:**

> you're welcome


End file.
